Doubling up!

Saw Dr. Pulver today; I sure like him. He answers any questions I ask him. I told him we were looking to move to Portland. He said "Why do you want to live in Portland with all that rain?" He then said he lived in Salem for a while and it was very beautiful in Portland. He understands wanting to move and gives it a thumbs up. One of the doctors at the clinic used to be with Oregon Health Science Center and so when and if we are ready to make the move he will be more than happy to help us with the physician/clinic decision. He told me that I puzzle him. My pain is still so great and yet the medication is working so well. The tumor marker is down again - to 117! So, the plan of action is - we are increasing the antidepressant and doubling the pain medication. He thinks my depression, anxety, and inability to sleep are all due to my pain issues and that if we can get that under control, then we will be able to stop the depressant meds. I asked him exactly what our plan is and he said it is to keep the cancer from spreading to other parts of the body and to get rid of the cancer I do have. He feels we are doing just that because of the tumor marker results. So, onward and upward. No other news here - another beautiful summer day. I'm tired right now and can hardly keep my eyes open; no nap though or I won't go to sleep later. Ruby behaved herself this afternoon and she was quiet last night at the senior center. I love you all - MOM

Is it Saturday yet?

Thought I was only going to blog once a week (Saturday) but here I am again already. Blood draw today. Interestingly, they flush the port each time they draw blood or put in chemo (and they do it at least twice each visit. I told the nurse again today to be sure and try to leave me some of that red liquid stuff instead of taking it all; but, she didn't listen. The liquid they use to flush the port sends an instant bitter, nasty taste to your mouth and nothing seems to stop it. I thought about the couple of times I tried to wash someone's mouth out with soap and I just want to say - I'm sorry!!!! And, it is true what my dad used to say - what goes around, comes around! Walked with Ruby pulling me along - even managed to take in a little of the Canyon County Fair; couldn't have done it without her. One thing i really like about Ruby is that she forces me to stand up straight which helps my spine feel better after walking straight for a while. I wonder if I can figure out how to take Ruby to bed with me so that my spine won't hurt when I am trying to sleep?! Life is really good today and actually is everyday. Remember to take some time to be grateful in whatever way you chose. I love you all - MOM

Monday, Monday - Said the Mamas and the Papas

Well, I'm not sure if am a little out in lala land or not because I have only taken my regular dose of morphine, but I am feeling fine (except for my left foot). Guess I shouldn't complain though - I remember the movie My Left Foot and since it was a true story I think I don't have too much to complain about my left foot. Talked with Rissa on Skype this morning (just love that program!) and she shared a drawing that Sammi had made for me. It had this saying on it "Grandma, remember you have Cancer but Cancer doesn't have you! Now, I don't know if she saw this saying somewhere or read about it or if she wrote it straight from that busy brain of her's but it really made me feel good. For so many years, too many to even imagine now, I have wanted to slow down and just take some time to smell the dandelions (daisies, roses - or whatever) and now I have that time and I need to take real advantage of it. I love to remember and replay in my mind the fun, funny, and funnier times I've had in my life. I'll share a couple here: Your father and I actually had 10-speed bikes when we first lived in Vancouver. It was after Cyndi had been born. We didn't do any long rides, just mostly short neighborhood ones and I really liked riding. Now, Vancouver has some pretty scary hills and I had managed to take one or two of those. I was going down a rather small hill and panicked as there was a curve at the bottom. Well, I did the usual and forgot that there were hand brakes and not brakes with the pedals, missed the curve and ran right into a huge rosebush in a very nice yard. The owner of the rosesbush was not the least bit happy with me and told me so - over and over. After apologizing a million times, I got back on the bike and rode back home. Didn't know thorns on rose bushes could make you bleed so much. Anyway - it was funny; clutz that I am. One other thing comes to mind and that was the camping trip at Fort Stevens where your father dropped us off and went back into town to work. I don't know how I ever made it through that week - honestly! The bats at night scared me speechless. We had some fun times camping and nobody starved to death either. Well, going to go get something put together for dinner tonight so Virg can just throw it in the oven. When we move to Portland I hope our kids will promise upon losing their eyebrows that they will not make me ride a bike or sleep in a tent! But I could make them some camp food. That would be fun. Love to you all - Gramma Doodle

Don't you just love Saturday's??

Here we go again....another sunny Saturday. We got out and about using Ruby and the wheelchair. We enjoyed the time we had Gary with us. He definitely was eager to return to Texas to his wife, but we know he had a good time. He is such a good person and such a positive person to have in our lives. Last night we had dinner with some of Virg's aunts/uncles and cousins; most were from this area but we did see Aunt Deenie and Uncle Charlie from Montana. Charlie is a master wood crafter. He brought us our names scrolled in wood. Of course, Virg got two - one of Virg and the other as Virgie (she is the only person alive that can call him that... don't even try it). Also she brought me 363 Hershey hugs and kisses, one to have each day of the year because she isn't close to give me the physical kind. She is a character.

Well, we played what do we need to do to live in Portland this morning. We are going to get the ducks in a row and go - there I said it! We are going to have to determine a time line and get with it. I'll call my insurance company Monday and talk with someone who definitely knows what they are talking about. I don't understand how they could not offer the same coverage but then insurance companies usually do whatever they want to do. We are going to start cleaning out and take that part in baby steps.

Today is a good day; my foot really, really hurts if I step on it at all, so I am going to keep it up. My pain meds are doing okay - just taking the morphine timed release every twelve hours.
Seems to be a busy weekend for everyone. Keep thinking positive thoughts. I love all the kids so much. See you next week on the blog - Love, Gramma Doodle

Meet Ruby!

I am going to have to learn how to put photos on my blog. However, right at this moment I'm not able to do that so I will try to introduce you to Ruby through words. Ruby is going to be a best, best friend for the rest of my life. She will be in front of me or beside me every step I take out in the real world. She may help me to develop a new sport - mountain rolling/walking! She has all terrain "shoes" and rolls right over everything. She will provide me with a place to rest when I need it and she will always have safety at mind. Also, she will carry things for me so I can steady myself. There won't be any place I can't go now. Well, that may be a bit premature as I won't know if she likes the snow until we actually have snow, and with the 100-plus weather we have now means it will be some time before Ruby gets the chance to ski. I want to thank my kids for brining Ruby into my life; Zac, Shanna, Mary, and Deb (and others if I have missed knowning they helped). Ruby is a state of the art roller walker. She is not your average walker/roller. She has "big" wheels for going over all different kinds of surfaces, a basket UNDERNEATH the padded seat, a very nice padded back pad (I call it my roller bar), wonderful hand brakes, and a nice, wide padded seat for my big butt! :) I named her Ruby because she is metallic red and has black accessores (brakes, roller bar, basket, seat). When I was a child I always wanted a pair of red sandals but my folks never had the extra money for such a thing. Now, I have Ruby. Virg set her up and thinks she is great. She is adjustable! She is adorable; and, I am sure I will be seen walking, rolling, and maybe even running on the streets of Caldwell talking to Ruby. Thanks so much my wonderful kids. Want to go for a roll? Love MOM

A Beautiful Sunshiney Day

Wow! What a wonderful Saturday. Cyndi flew in Friday to surprise Virg for his birthday and Deb sent a card and shirt (good saying on the shirt...he loves it). Today we went to Farmer's Market in Nampa. I used the wheelchair and managed to actually wheel myself most of the time, which was a real upper for me. I ran into my cancer nurse who took time to talk with me; she said I was doing absolutely the best thing by getting out and about. We did visit the used bookstore, which always makes me happy! Then we had lunch at TGIFriday's. Pretty spicy but good and much different than normal for me. Cold Lasnage noodles over warmed breaded egg plant with fresh mozzerela cheese and tiny tomatoes with olive oil and garlic. We also shared some garlic shrimp on scewers. Gary and Cyndi contemplated trying the deep fried macaroni and cheese but decided their health came first. :) Cyndi and I had iced tea later in the day to spend some quality quiet time and vist while discussing should/should not move to Portland. The tea was cinnamon pumb and was quite good. Well, if moving is meant to be then it will be. Some good places that we could afford. I just need to listen more to my girls and not be afraid to take the plunge. I have the chance of a lifetime here - to be near the ones I love so much and have my wonderful husband support me (heck, he's ready to move tomorrow). Adventure is what he wants. Thank God he doesn't want to move to the Alaskan wilderness and dig out our own mountain home. That was a dream of someone in a past marriage - I actually feared he would up and do it. Couldn't you just seem me - barefoot, pregnant, shooting bears, and drying salmon. NOOOOOO! Life is so good; I would miss the sun but would love all the Portland has to offer. I moved back to Idaho to gain strength and be near my dad. He has been gone since 1994; my Tommy brother is gone; George is so busy with his life and famiy and we want to be near our kids. Who knows, Michele and Justin may end up in Portland. Cross your fingers, say your prayers, light your candles and help us get there if this is really to be. I love all of you. MOM

life and lemons

My sweet kids may remember a little plaque that Nancy Warner gave me when I became divorced. The statement on the plaque had a sayinng on it that said 'when life gives you lemons - then make lemonade. I've always like the saying and lately have been thinking of it often. A woman from the cancer site that I communicate with everyday has passed away. I have learned that she was a very well educated and traveled extensively to help nuture all living things. She never married and had no children. She was an author and wrote of her experiences. Believe me when I say she made lots of lemonade with what she was given in life. When I was diagnosed the first time with cancer, I was devestated. I had found unconditional love and knew that I was becoming emotionally stable day by day and the fears were becoming easier to deal with. Virg and I had talked about getting married but I wanted to immediately call it off upon the trials that I was now facing. BUT Virg reminded me that when we first started dating that we both felt that what you see is what you get and that I had no right to say to wait to get married thinking he wouldn't want to go ahead with our plans. It was his right .... anyway I'm kind of getting off my chain of thought here. It was the night before my surgery and I was talking with Virg's mom. I just started crying and said - "why me and why now when I am so happy". She put her arm around my shoulder and all she said was "why not you and why not now". I have beening going over happenings in my life and I am going to start a list of things I really have liked. Some will be pretty basic and the others hopefully will be understook by those close to me. I need to warn you though that this morphine stuff can make a person pretty weird. One of the side-effects is anxiety. Now, I have never had a problem with anxiety before (quit giggling). Actually, I am drowning in anxiety at this time. I think it would have been easier for me to have been given an approximate "date of expiration". See, here I go again, blabbering on. I have wanted to do some pretty "chicken" things lately and I guess the only thing I can hook it to is being a chicken; i.e, afraid of pain, afraid of not feeling Virg's hand as he takes my hand and we walk down the block; afraid of having passed on genes of bad health to my children; of forgetting to ever tell them that I love them. Through all this coming and continuing trail of whats and whens I am just plain scared. Enough blabbering for today. I have to begin to come up with a really, really, good practical joke to put over on Virg - that should take me a while. I'm fine, I really am. Virg turns another year older on 7/11 and I must say his hair has lots and lots more gray in it all of a sudden.

MERRY-GO-ROUND

I am glad this week is coming to an end! Tuesday I saw my onc (oncologist) who changed pain med back to the time release morphine and added the vicodin in between the time schedule for the 12 hour split on the morphine; also he wants me to get out and about to build up my strength. He gave me a prescription for a rolling walker. I found a heavy duty one at Costco on line that I will be getting; however, due to the fact that my deductible started over on 7-1-08 so I will have to wait just a little. AND waiting will be just fine. When I went to the doctor on Tuesday, I pointed out to him that my left foot was quite swollen, blue in places, and
EXTREMELY painful. He examined it quite thoroughly and said perhaps it was a side effect of the chemo oral med as, unfortunately, the drug actually does cause pain and it releaves pain (just thinking about that makes me sick); SOOOOOO, he had me stop the chemo med for a week to see if that would cut the bone, muscle and joint pain as that is a side-effect of that particuar drug. We will start another drug in one week. When I woke up on Thursday, my foot was REALLY swollen and very, very painful. I called the onc who sent me to WVMC for x-rays. It wasn't broken, there wasn't any worry about it being cancer and that it was something with the tendons called plantar e (I can't remember how to spell the second word) . He said it was imperative that I stay off my feet and use crutches at home to get around. SO, let's review the week: Tuesday, get a rolling walker and building your strength - Thursday, absolutely stay off your feet. Zippidy Do Dah, I love life. It's always worth a chuckle. Way, way hot here. I've been thinking about the 4th when I was little. The entre park was filled with service clubs selling food and playing games for which you could win little prizes; a baseball tournament all day for boys; the park full with people having picnics; a car show; and then about 7:00 people started gathering in the golf course which is right in the middle of town and has a man road going right through it. People brought food, drink, blankets, and sparklers. At about 9:45 the firework display started. Until I was about 10 or 11, I never saw the fireworks because I was afraid of the noise. There, I said it! Your mom was a fraidy cat! To this day, I kind of get nervous to watch them. Well, that's enough revealing information for now. If you have any childhood questions just let me know and I'll try to reveal more. Please picture this: a 60 yo women (overweight) with cancer in most of the bones in her body but especially in the spine trying to manuever crutches so as to keep her left foot from even touching the ground/floor. Funny, huh? Now throw in the morpine and vicodin and it gets hilarious. Should anything actually happen, I will try to keep all names confidential so as not to embarras any of you. :) Love to you all, MOM. Every day is precious - t